A Charming Renissance

October 5, 2019


Measles, Smallpox, Mumps and other similar diseases have made a massive comeback in the recent years, with the reemergence of these renaissance era diseases has brought with it these hot trends of 14th century Europe!

How do you incorporate these looks into your life this summer season? Just follow these few easy steps and you are sure to be looking incredible. 

Wear several layers. The more layers the better! The more uncomfortable and immobile you are the more authentic and in style it will be.  Corsets are a must, especially if you want to lose a few pounds, not being able to physically breathe will make food the last thing you think about, forget those few extra pounds. It is very important to stay hydrated while wearing a corset as fainting spells are very common, make sure to always stand near a wall or near a large man you can grab onto while your life flashes before your eyes, but as soon as you recover you will be looking hot! 

Cake that makeup! Use a thick white base and cover your entire face with it, ignore your neck, we want people to know you are wearing makeup. Use talcum, or baby powder, to set your makeup. Don’t worry about inhaling the powder, it’s fine, you’ll be fine. Next use heavy amounts of red blush only on the apples of your cheeks. Forget about blending, let’s leave natural, blended makeup in 2019! And at the end of a long night don’t worry about removing your makeup, just reapply it the following day. 

Next, drop that shower! Allow yourself to become au natural. Not only should you stop showering, which will support water conservation in the ever growing concern for the environment, but you should also cut out deoderant as well. If you are worried about your cleanliness deteriorating and repelling people with your smell, don’t! If your friends really love you they will support you and your decisions. If they stop talking to you they never loved you in the first place and you shouldn’t love them either. That’s right mom, I never loved you. 

Next up on your journey to rebirth is ditch your indoor in the plumbing! Just go in the street! No need to wash your hands either, just let dirt accumulate and your immune system will become stronger than ever!

This last step is arguably the most important. When you have your children, do not vaccinate them! People lived for hundreds of years without vaccinations, why do we need them now! Though it is controversial, if you want to remain true to the renaissance aesthetic, it is incredibly important to ignore all modern day professionally trained doctors orders and go with more holistic approaches. And when your child inevitably dies, just remember this is God’s plan.

If you follow these simple steps you are sure to be looking amazing this summer season. Remember  this lifestyle is not for the weak-hearted, but in times of despair just remember beauty is pain and pain is all around us, all the time, and everywhere. 

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