Is “Climate Change” Even a Thing? (Satire)

Will Ginsburg, Journalism 1 Staff

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Why do people care about “climate change” anyway? To be honest, I don’t really see what all the fuss is about. Firstly, is it even real? What do we even know about this so-called “Global Warming” that our former President Barack Obama was so passionate about? C’mon people, do some of you actually think that the planet is heating itself up? That’s just silly. Earth is a well oiled machine, designed to hold all of the magnificence of human innovation, and there is NO WAY that it could be heating itself up, its not like it’s a greenhouse or anything.

Oh, wait, there’s something called the greenhouse effect? Who came up with a name like that? It sounds pretty stupid to me. It’s probably just another liberal excuse to get us all to stop driving our pickup trucks to the grocery store. We like our trucks! And that black smoke that fumes out of the back of them is probably just a byproduct of their awesomeness. Besides, it simply floats up into the atmosphere and away into outer space, is that so hard to understand? It’s not like there’s some invisible wall that traps all of the gasses so they can’t float away into the solar system. That’s sci-fi stuff, it would never happen in the real world.

Oh, erm, I guess that’s exactly what the atmosphere does. I’m realizing now that I probably should’ve done some research before starting this rant. Well, it turns out that these “greenhouse gases” that things like factories, power plants, and our wicked cool pickup trucks produce actually do get stuck in the atmosphere. According to some fancy scientist, the “rays” from the sun bounce off the earth and try to leave, but get caught by this “greenhouse effect” and sent back down, which apparently heats up the planet somehow. I won’t bore you with the lousy details of it all, but I guess a bunch of people are actually concerned about the complications that this “global warming” could have for the future. Again, I don’t see what all the fuss is about.

As far as I can tell, global warming actually doesn’t cause any real problems. The only result of it is that the awful Salt Lake City winter we experience will be a little milder, and is that even a problem? Nobody wants all the snow that we get to fall anyway, it makes driving terrible. Good thing my pickup truck is four wheel drive, or else it’d be impossible.

With global warming, we won’t ever have to worry about scary roads again! Instead of the dreadful winter, we will just have a six month long autumn to enjoy. Doesn’t that sound amazing? I see no problem with being able to get the summer tan started in February, do you? There is literally no downside with this “global warming”, so why is everybody so worried about it?

Ok, so apparently there are actually some problems in the eyes of the environmentalists. Supposedly, we actually need the water that makes our roads so dang slippery in the winter. And I guess the plants in my front yard need a certain temperature to grow large enough to hide my house from the neighbors. It turns out Earth wasn’t created for the sole purpose of catering to every human desire, and it won’t be able to sustain much more of this “warming” effect. This “ecosystem” that we all live in is very fragile, which makes no sense to me, but that’s what all the “facts” are saying. All the research says that I am wrong, but I simply refuse to believe that, so I better quit while I’m ahead, because clearly I don’t know anything.

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